The Swiss do do sandwiches, but they are definitely not the best in the world

The Swiss should be very good at sandwiches. They have so many potentially superb components readily available, and yet, if you ask them to combine them all to make a wholesome filling snack they are as instantly perplexed as most foreigners when they have Swiss democratic system explained to them for the first time.

Nestled in the centre of Europe, Switzerland is not afraid to take on the mantle of the melting pot, taking the best bits from each country and discarding the flab of extravagance. Italy's food forms the staple of many and German efficiency is somehow improved. You would therefore think that finding something to curb your hunger at lunch, or fuel to keep the Swiss wheel of efficiency turning with minimum disruption would involve the simple procedure of popping into your local sandwich shop, or even god-forbid convenience store, to pick up a sandwich. 

 I am yet to discover what is a typical Swiss lunch. Perhaps I am being to quintessentially British in my tastes, but when Lord Sandwich developed the idea of 2 pieces of bread and filling to keep his soldiers on the hoof, most people agreed that he had stumbled upon a basic culinary necessity for a future world in which everyone would be too busy to stop for lunch. Maybe the sandwich's military history is too much to take for this nub of neutrality. Or is it their proximity to France? Is this France's gift to a country with its fair share of Francophiles? 

 It would however, be wrong to suggest that they don't have sandwiches. 'Anna's Best', commonly sold at supermarkets sums up the state of Swiss sandwich affairs because if this is the best Anna has to offer, I'll pass through gritted teeth of ungraciousness. They look good, but you will have to flog your eldest son as an Arabian camel jockey to afford one, only to be left feeling profoundly underwhelmed, which will then turn to anger and then the final realisation that you are still starving hungry. And as for 'Snacky Sandwiches' the less said the better. 

 If you are on a journey of sandwich discovery, give Switzerland a miss - you'll be wasting your time.

Is this a wind-up

In the winter of 2005 whilst snowboarding we convinced Allen that there were snow crabs in the swiss mountains. Most would find this amusing, some lacking a sense of humour, cruel. We were not so cruel that we didn't come clean by the end of the day.

Recently though I was told of a Swiss tradition, which to me sounds like a wind-up. If not, it's a rather disturbing tradition. If true I'm sure Swingen (swiss wrestling) champions are not too often invited to friends weddings:

...in cantons such as Argau and Solothurn, there is a tradition that immediately after the church service, every bachelor in the congregation is expected to wrestle with the groom in order that he might prove his suitability as a husband. Large, baggy shorts are provided for this purpose, and most churches have a sandpit in the rear for exactly this purpose.

Should one of the bachelors beat the new groom in the wrestling match, then he is invited to spend the first night with the hapless bride, with the groom being forced to spend the night outside the window.

Over recent years, this has become a simple ritual, with the bachelors in the congregation putting no real effort into the fight, for fear of sullying the groom's honour.

No one will tell me if this is true or not though. It would add a rather interesting twist if the Swiss were ever to re-make the film 'The Wedding Crashers'.

Democracy... but not as we know it

They say that Switzerland is the world's most democratic nation. Well they do have seven prime ministers! Every bit of legislation is sent to public referendum and most things takes longer than elephant pregnancy. I'm starting to wonder if it's allowed to sneeze without first putting it to the people.

For all my jesting though, today proved the system is there for a reason.

At recent elections the far right party took a majority of 29%, but not enough to form a government. When they were confirming the prime ministers though, all other parties rejected the far right controversial leader, Christoph Blocher, and he was ousted from taking power. If this seems complicated, don't worry, no one here seems to understand the system either.

It doesn't sound too democratic when the person chosen by the people is not allowed to take government, but this is to prevent extremism and political fads, whipped up by charismatic but small minded people, praying on peoples insecurities.

Today proved that democracy works. Most of Switzerland breathed a very large collective sigh or relief.

Neutrality breeds paranoia

If I was to ask most people back in Blighty to name five things they associate with Switzerland they would probably answer: Chocolate, mountains, cuckoo clocks, banks and neutrality. Some might possibily throw in Sven Goran Eriksson but that's because they are complete cretins. You know who you are!

So let's consider these.


Chocolate. Yes I can confirm there is a lot of chocolate here, and it is a staple in the national diet. Strangely however, it is hard to find a fat person.

That is because they have big mountains and expend lots of energy going up and down them in many different and seemingly inconceivable ways.

Cuckoo clocks? Fallacy. I am yet to see one although I must confess I haven't really looked.

Banks. Well everywhere has banks, it's just the Swiss seem to have a certain knack for it.

And last but not least neutrality. Now this one bugs me. To stay out of trouble for as long as they have is quite an achievement, especially given some of their immediate neighbours - and no I am not referring to Lichtenstein.

My problem is that neutrality (and a large wedge cash) breeds paranoia. To say I was a tad surprised to discover the existence of a nuclear bunker in the cellar of my new flat when I moved would is as large an understatement as when someone once remarked, "that Einstein fella, he's quite clever you know".

There was much chortling however, when I discovered that all new houses in Switzerland must be built with a fall-out shelter, and the older ones have access to them. At first I thought this was a wind-up, like Allen believing in the existence of snow crabs, but alas no. What with bank vaults, nuclear shelters and their obsession with cellars, the whole of Switzerland could quite conceivably disappear underground at a moments notice. It is also quite possible that no one else would notice either. Until they want to get their hands on their cash that is.

Now for a neutral country Switzerland also has a rather large army. All Swiss men must complete at least 260 days of national service, and they are given a gun to keep, ready for the day someone decides that neutrality is a good excuse to invade.
This means that at anyone time there are nearly 2 million (mostly moustache clad) Swiss men ready and trained to prevent you stealing their chocolate.

There is one major draw back to giving everyone a gun though. Some people don't want to wait to be invaded, and don't see the point in having a gun if they can't use it on another human being at least once. Army issue weapons are involved in the death of more than 300 people a year in the country. When questioned about the issue a government minister was quoted as saying:

....decommissioning weakens Swiss security and is a vote of no confidence in soldiers.

That is a heavy price to pay for neutrality. I'm not suggesting for one minute Switzerland should suddenly stride out from their mountain hideaways and start squaring up to everyone, but maybe they should curb their paranoia. Switzerland is so safe in so many respects. Don't spoil it by giving everyone a gun!

No it's not a typo

Why "Slogging" I hear you all cry from a far.

Well I was going to call this collection of vernacular objet d'art 'Blogging the Swiss', but somehow it seemed far to simplistic, and well, rather clinically Swiss. Instead, I thought I would use this delicious piece of cricketing parlance to make life here sound far more exciting and adventurous than it really is.

Yes I've given up the exciting world of London, and moved to a small city in the northwest frontier of Switzerland, called Basel. France to the left of me, Germany straight ahead. I could trip over a curb at any given moment and end up in either.

This is no Indiana Jones movie. There will be no escaping groups of blood thirsty locals armed with deadly blow pipes, or young Chinese boys driving get-away cars. It's more likely to be Paddington Bear (with marmite instead of marmalade of course) than the Magic Roundabout, but hopefully it will give an insight, maybe even an amusing one occasionally, into life in Switzerland.